In case you didn’t know, I’ve been in New York for a while now. Working for a cancer center, doing a summer program that is going to be a tremendous boost to my curriculum vitae. I am currently sitting in a screen porch about 2 hours north of Manhattan…sipping diet ginger ale and eating a banana. This is the most peaceful I have been since I left Michigan.

I hate my job. End of story. Except that its not the end, and in fact the story is being revised daily. The post-doc that I work for is the main source of my troubles this summer, he’s demanding without being specific, rude and sarcastic when I try to find out what he expects and reminds me constantly that I don’t have anywhere near the hide for people like him. Beyond that, the program is excellent. They take extremely good care of us (average is 3 catered meals per week, plus the occasional dinner cruise with a top-shelf open bar), and its been a summer of immense introspection with all kinds of support from people who know the decisions I’m trying to make.

The trouble right now is Manhattan…. I don’t know if I wanted to escape so badly this weekend because I couldn’t stand the city, my job, my roommates, my apartment, some combination of those, or a deeper unrest brought on by the city that never sleeps. Last summer New York felt like home, connected and wonderful and I cried when I left for the airport. Last summer I was also single, far from the stress of graduate school applications and decisions about life direction, with fewer commitments, things looming… I am here again this time mainly because I applied almost exclusively to programs in the city, and as luck would have it my tipping of the scales paid off.

I have not been to Chinatown, or the West Side at all, I have not been across the Brooklyn Bridge. Summer Stage has thus far eluded me, and I have not seen the Dali exhibit at MoMA. I have not eaten at any true restaurants worth mentioning, sticking instead to top hamburger joints and diner food with the occasional MSG-binge of Chinese take-out. Indulgences have been good gin and Haagen-Dazs, and the J.Crew final sale rack. I’ve not done any serious shopping excursions, yes I have lived in Manhattan for 6 weeks and not made it Lohman’s or Century 21…I know…its a travesty. I just have not had the energy, or motivation. I’m not in love with the city this summer. I don’t know what has happened to us, but its worrisome. There are programs here that I would strongly consider applying to, what would happen if I was stuck out of love for the next 6 years?

Granted, spending your 20’s in New York is not a bad way to go…but as I sit here in a tiny suburb and listen to the neighbor fix his pool and the birds chirping I can’t help but think that I am adaptable. I can be thrilled and seduced by New York, I love the opera and the theatre and the fashion I see on the streets. But I can’t get any work done there. Maybe my own place would help, a little studio I could decorate and make into a sanctuary… for the sake of a potential dissertation I hope so. What about the rest of the world? Would a Midwest city that requires a car be so bad? Could I live in Ann Arbor? St. Louis? Birmingham, AL even? Texas? I think I need to consider the fact that I will need escape routes, Chicago is lovely and I imagine has more opportunities to escape and get out from under the heavy than New York. However, I am a $26 train ticket from this place…. oh the decisions.

Thoughts? Please share…advice is quite seriously needed.

Much love to ya,

at

Is my test average in Organic Chemistry, second semester. My quiz average (well, of the top 5, when we’ve had 9 and at least 4 of those were of the sort that can’t be called pop quizzes) is a 19/20. My lab grade should also be about 90% or higher… so why am I crying every other moment and reconsidering whether I am cut out for a life of scientific pursuit?

I thought I had aced my last test…I thought I had known what to do, been able to see the bigger picture and I walked out sure I had annilated that thing. Turns out I got a 79%. Confidence crushing? Yes. I thought there was an “upward trend”, the real answer is that I had duped myself into believing that I was understanding the concepts…that I had finally trained my brain to think in terms of resonance and binding… turns out I was wrong. I have no idea what this will mean for biochemistry…a class I have been looking forward to for over a year now, how can I handle failing something that makes me smile?

This semester has been academic hell. Failed my first test as a college student, I will only 4.0 one class this semester unless you count a directed study, my cumulative will be my lowest ever, my GPA will have dropped to the point where I will never acheive suma cum laude and may not even hit magna if it goes at this rate. It will be a miracle if I get into Phi Beta Kappa, the standard I had been striving for since I realized what it was. A benchmark, set by others and recognized nationally, something high that I could measure myself against and no one could call me insane or tell me its misguided.  Damn you organic chemistry. If I had never taken those classes, my GPA would be at or near a 3.9 still….probably higher given that I would have had soo much more time to get shit done for other classes.

And on another note, I do not live will on unstable ground. Too often this semester I went from being very happy, content with my life and looking only at the present…only to have my forward thinking nature soon crash me back to the realization that my happiness is ephemeral and that it will never be able to take solid form. So many wasted hours, when you look at it that way. Of course my friends all knew this, but they also knew that I am stubborn as hell and prefer a little internal manipulation to facing things. Its my own damn fault I did so badly this semester, if only I had realized that it is better to be stable and alone than to walk a tightrope and lose balance. God that is a depressing thought, I understand though how science can be done in a monastery. No one to distract you, and unshakable faith without evidence to contradict it can do wonders for concentration and perseverance.

We shall see how the GRE goes…I know I’ll get into grad school…that’s not the real issue… I just feel as though I have failed myself.

Real hugs are welcome, the proper way to give one is to stop, put your stuff down, and let the person in need of the hug find their own comfortable spot. Be patient, and healing can begin.

Or is there a more appropriate term for what wanders through my mind as I sit in the lab… I’m convinced that every girl makes this list at some point in her life, and today just happens to be my day to post it.

Ideal characteristics of a future significant other:

Height: 5′11” to 6′3”
Body type: average to slightly heavy build, muscle tone is preferred but evidence of weight lifting as a favorite pastime is reason for disqualification
Eyes: color may vary, glint is mandatory
Hair: full, slight wave or curl is acceptable, length variable so long as it suits the face shape and other characteristics, color may vary though rich browns are preferred and light blond is unacceptable. No artificial coloring tolerated.
Jaw: strong please!
Facial hair: a well maintained beard is fine, otherwise clean shaven
Nose: please no evidence of multiple breaks
Eyebrows: tamed, not manicured, but tamed
Nails: see eyebrows
Feet: see eyebrows
Dress: must be able to coordinate colors and fabrics, and to understand weather appropriate dress. Extra points for tweed, leather, wool, cable knits, good tailoring, cashmere (used sparingly), and a generally classic appearance. Must know what sort of suit fits his style, and own the appropriate variations for most occasions/weather.
Substance use: moderate to slightly heavy drinking is acceptable, must be able to make use of a well stocked bar and mix basic cocktails without consulting a reference. Extra points for knowing a few girlish drinks or good shots, as well as good taste in alcohol. Smoking as a regular habit is grounds for dismissal, though the occasional hookah, pipe, or cigar is fine. All other substances will be assessed on a case by case basis. Evidence of alcoholism is also unacceptable.
Profession: Academia is preferred, subject matter may vary though preference will be given for the hard sciences and social sciences. Law or medicine are also acceptable pursuits, if the applicant is still an undergrad pre-med inclinations will be scrutinized carefully for sincerity of purpose. Evidence of a strong work ethic and keen mind are required.
Demeanor: An easy smile, perceptive nature, affectionate, general intensity, and strong sense of friendship are required. Must show potential to be a good parent, uncontrolled expressions of anger are unacceptable. Liberal viewpoints and an open mind are also key components.
Pets: not mandatory, but no fish please. Dogs or a cat is fine.
Living preferences: must be comfortable in large cities, and adaptable to the out of doors. Apartment living will most likely be required, as well as a solid sense of direction and ability to navigate public transportation.

Ok, I think that’s it….granted there is still probably much more that I could expand on, but I think you get the idea. Now, I see no evidence that such a man exists, but then again I’m only 20 and it would be horribly inconvenient for said knight in shining armor to arrive before I leave Albion. I admit though, if he arrived in NYC this summer I could definitely be persuaded to enjoy his company for as long as he happened to be going my way.

I admit it, I’m depressed. Have been this entire semester, not sure what to do at this point. Its getting to the point where its interfering with my ability to get work done, I’ve got two big tests this week and I’m honestly considering asking one prof if I can take one on Monday if I can’t get my focus back soon. Don’t feel bad if you never noticed, this isn’t much at all compared to what I’m capable of smiling through. Damn common cold of mental illness, why must you come at such a bad time? I need my mind to work, not get wrapped up in stupidity and leave me feeling like I can’t breathe but for gasping and the gasping comes with the crying I can’t seem to get right.

I don’t really have much more to say, this feels like a chemical depression mostly…not really situational but if you feel like listening I think I feel like talking. And if you know how to give a hug that hits the soul and says “I care about you”, please feel free to throw one my way… I could use one. Not a false hug, or a half-assed “there there” hug, but one where I can just hang on until I actually feel some relief, one that’s sturdy and comforting like I’ve not had in so very very long. One you’re not embarrassed to give, and I’d understand if you would be. Its honestly asking a lot out of one embrace, and I won’t fault you for just a knowing smile the next time I see you. Those too are kind and much appreciated, sustaining in their own way.

This too shall pass.

I wish I had a park bench, so that I could sit and think

Because Albion, dear Albion, is just too small for such pursuits

I wish I had a city with a park and a great big tree with a bench

Where I could sit, alone with my warm coat, and let my mind walk

I wish I could send my mind on a walk alone down the paths

In that park,  far from the prying eyes and minds of those who know and love me.

I’m so sorry everyone, I keep trying to write something that I feel all of you can read, and its not happening yet. Yes, I have plenty to write about, but I’ve yet to find a way to express it in such a way that each of you can take away what you’re supposed to and nothing more. Alas, such is the fate of a public journal and the change that comes with every link. It is my deepest hope that after this weekend I’ll find my words, but I cannot promise inspiration or desire.

Much love to you,

at

Oh god, this year. I’m so infinitely glad its over. Nearly. The academics are done, the grades are in and there is no more I have to do. At least, for Albion College transcript-related crap. In case this is the only way you hear about me, I got a 2.7 in Organic Chemistry and a 3.7 in The Quantum Enigma (my last Honors class), 4.0s in Genetics and Neuropsychopharmacology. The B- in Chem hurt my cumulative, and caused me incalculable amounts of stress over the last two weeks of the semester. I was completely out of touch with the world at that point, finally conversations with my mother and a friend who is currently in grad school forced me to get my head straight. I am not pre-med. I do not have to achieve the grades that they do in my classes, instead I am expected to do outstanding research as an undergrad and spend my summers doing more of the same. Its different, its more balanced, it has a very different end point. Right. I believe this. I strive to live a balanced lifestyle…unfortunately that means that when I get stressed and my overachieving/perfectionistic side comes out I try to be super-woman. To get outstanding grades, have fabulous research done, be an active member of my sorority, workout, eat well, look hot, date, and maintain friendships.  Yikes, right?! Really, that’s insane, there just aren’t enough hours in the day. So things end up falling of the plate, like hours that would have ensured a 3.0 or higher in Chem. They got replaced with sleep, conversations with people I love, lab meetings…and other valid alternatives to memorizing reaction mechanisms.

Anyway, I survived academically and forced myself to refocus. Good. Now for the interpersonal life…augh. I’m not one for looking dumb, being the girl who likes the boy more than he likes her… When I find myself in that situations these days I react strongly. This time around it was strange, I’m still not sure I understand what happened. We hadn’t really talked about our feelings for each other all semester, but the things that were said and the resulting warm fuzzy feelings just built up into really caring about the person. I didn’t want a relationship, I was quite content just to have this person in my life the way they were, no titles just caring and understanding. Then things got weird, and I’m not sure exactly how. I guess whether or not we would officially date got brought up…not sure how that happened. The term “friend” had been used a lot in the recent emails and conversations, it was starting to seem like we were going to actually define what we had going. Yikes. That evening of conversation actually ended well, me feeling like I wasn’t wasting my time and like I could continue caring about this person without feeling foolish. Then…the next few days happened. And it seemed like things had changed, emotional distance had come in with all the behavior quirks. Starting to get very worried that something was up and that this was going to be a permanent change..but without really want to talk deeply about all THAT, on Tuesday I said that I needed to be more passive in our relationship. Let the other one do the calling, and I will just respond. That was fine, and things were peaceful for a few days. Lets just say that right now things are messy, I was bitchy, and I don’t know if I’ll hear from this person for a while. I hope hope hope that its not the end of us, I will reallllly miss our conversations.

On to the rallying part of this business!!!

My plans for break are simple…set goals and achieve them!

•  Body – get down to 125-127lbs (that’s only 6-7lbs, don’t worry), and gain muscle
  • I’ll get myself a haircut when I get under 13o, and a pedicure when I hit my goal weight
  • I’m going to the YMCA daily and alternating between 30min of cardio + weights and 45 minutes of swimming
    • Hitting the sauna and hot tub really help make that a lovely way to spend my mornings!
• Financial – pay off my debts before Christmas (I have some checks to send), do thoughtful but not bank breaking gifts, and store up some cash after Christmas to help defray the costs of next semester
  • J.Crew has screwed me over on hours (I’m not working at all until at least the 22nd ), hence the not spending a ton on gifts this year
• Research- to meet with Tammy over break and get ready for the next semester by staining tissue that we’ll be using, also I’ll be trying to get a proposal and ACACUC form ready for the circadian disturbance and pregnancy project
  • That will coincide nicely with moving to Dean, I’ll do that while I’m in Albion
• Next summer – pick which programs I want to apply to, send emails about letters of recommendation as well as talk to potential mentors, and write as many essays as I can before the semester starts
  • LOTS to do!!! I’ve got a good list going of potential places to apply though, and I’ve done this all before
• Kappa Delta – get fully acquainted with the office of VPO and have my binders ready to be presented at the first meeting of the semester
  • Basically I want to rock at this position and I’ve got to get started on that now if I want it to happen
• I think thats it…!

I’ve got 14-15 days left to fast. Time to sit here for a minute and assess the situation.

I don’t usually feel to hungry during the day, but sometimes I think “I don’t want to be fasting today.” So why don’t I reach over and grab an apple, or bowl of cereal, or whatever it is that’s making me miss food? I guess that implies that there is a reason I do this, that I have something invested in this ritualistic self-denial. I’ve got a friend who thinks I’m not really “doing it”, who says that because I get excited when dinner approaches that I’m not in the spirit of the fast. I honestly have no idea how to take that, but its a major reason I’m writing right now. Am I doing this right? Am I undercutting the meaning and spirit of the practice by my thoughts and actions? The other day I stepped on the scale, curious to see what this was doing to my body. I did have a hypothesis, I felt smaller and honestly I wanted to know if this was true. At the beginning of the month (mid-Sept.) another friend said that he was curious to see what happened with my weight…would the fast cause my body to go into starvation mode and gain weight, or would I waste away? I knew neither was happening, and I never had the intent of going into this as a diet…I knew my body wouldn’t respond that way. At one point, maybe a day before I stepped on the scale, I told myself that I wouldn’t weigh myself for the whole month. Having failed at that, and tested my hypothesis, I realized I was wrong and I have a new idea. I think I’m losing muscle mass and replacing it with fat. I can feel my bones more, but that’s got to be because there’s less muscle surrounding them, not because there’s less of me all together. That’s a pretty revolting discovery, I feel a bit like my body is rotting or something, and I think I should try and remedy that…starting before the fast is over. I have the time, I should lift weights a few times a week to keep up the tone, and perhaps steady my metabolism.

I will speak more on this later, but I really have gained a lot from this fast. Deepened friendships, learned about people and generally improved several aspects of my life.

Mentally, well..this has been a weird month. The productivity I was hoping to achieve is coming about, but the habit changing has not been as successful. Still not sleeping properly, though I am napping quite a bit to make up for the occasional late nights. Tonight I’m participating in a sleep study that requires me to go to bed at 10pm and get up at 9am. I’m hoping it’ll be a good start to the week. Perhaps a good measure would be my performance in class, since everyone’s telling me that lack of sleep and generally not taking care of myself will end up affecting it. Well, let’s see. I’m pretty sure I’ve got a 3.7-4.0 in Chemistry, which is amazing to me and I’m pushing hard to keep it that way. The rest of my classes should be near 4.0s, with one possible exception being Neuropharm..where I haven’t picked up my last test to check how I did so I can’t be sure. Class average was an A though, so I’m not too worried. Conclusion: I must be doing something right.

I want to find a website or book where I can get a daily meditation prompt. One thing I think I have been slacking on is my introspection and general quiet time with myself. If I can find something like a meditation book, I think it will help me feel more centered and focused on my actions. Also, I’d like to actually make time for yoga. I realized that I consider it a luxury, and that I schedule meetings during that time without considering that its something necessary and good for me.

Ok, off to get a bit of work done. I was supposed to be playing Magic with the guys, but really, that’s not a good use of my time and I’m not good enough yet to get much out of it learning-wise. Chemistry and Biology projects are a better idea I think.

This was written about a week ago, I just forgot to post it. Enjoy!

I feel like I’m in an anti-food coma. I don’t feel compelled to eat, just sluggish and perplexed by the food around me. Nothing looks so good that I want to eat it right this minute, and hunger seems rather removed from the act of eating. Dinner is at 7:36 tonight!!

In any event, life perks along, at warp speed really…and yet I feel like I’m not quite as on top of my game as I should be. Last post I was attempting to get my habits in some sort of order, this post some meager progress has been made, but its falling short of my goals. I want to spend part of this afternoon planning my life. Setting goals and marking out the steps I’ll need to take to fulfill them, then plotting them out so I feel more in control of this semester, this year, and all the time up until I graduate and begin the next phase of life.

Male drama is at a simmer, nothing to speak of but enough to keep things warm. Frankly, I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for right now, so its good that nothing much is happening.

Staying up until 4am tonight to participate in a study one of the guys in my lab is doing, then I have to go to bed at 10pm on Thursday. We’ll see how this goes…