Its funny how escapades looks a lot like “escape”…
In case you didn’t know, I’ve been in New York for a while now. Working for a cancer center, doing a summer program that is going to be a tremendous boost to my curriculum vitae. I am currently sitting in a screen porch about 2 hours north of Manhattan…sipping diet ginger ale and eating a banana. This is the most peaceful I have been since I left Michigan.
I hate my job. End of story. Except that its not the end, and in fact the story is being revised daily. The post-doc that I work for is the main source of my troubles this summer, he’s demanding without being specific, rude and sarcastic when I try to find out what he expects and reminds me constantly that I don’t have anywhere near the hide for people like him. Beyond that, the program is excellent. They take extremely good care of us (average is 3 catered meals per week, plus the occasional dinner cruise with a top-shelf open bar), and its been a summer of immense introspection with all kinds of support from people who know the decisions I’m trying to make.
The trouble right now is Manhattan…. I don’t know if I wanted to escape so badly this weekend because I couldn’t stand the city, my job, my roommates, my apartment, some combination of those, or a deeper unrest brought on by the city that never sleeps. Last summer New York felt like home, connected and wonderful and I cried when I left for the airport. Last summer I was also single, far from the stress of graduate school applications and decisions about life direction, with fewer commitments, things looming… I am here again this time mainly because I applied almost exclusively to programs in the city, and as luck would have it my tipping of the scales paid off.
I have not been to Chinatown, or the West Side at all, I have not been across the Brooklyn Bridge. Summer Stage has thus far eluded me, and I have not seen the Dali exhibit at MoMA. I have not eaten at any true restaurants worth mentioning, sticking instead to top hamburger joints and diner food with the occasional MSG-binge of Chinese take-out. Indulgences have been good gin and Haagen-Dazs, and the J.Crew final sale rack. I’ve not done any serious shopping excursions, yes I have lived in Manhattan for 6 weeks and not made it Lohman’s or Century 21…I know…its a travesty. I just have not had the energy, or motivation. I’m not in love with the city this summer. I don’t know what has happened to us, but its worrisome. There are programs here that I would strongly consider applying to, what would happen if I was stuck out of love for the next 6 years?
Granted, spending your 20’s in New York is not a bad way to go…but as I sit here in a tiny suburb and listen to the neighbor fix his pool and the birds chirping I can’t help but think that I am adaptable. I can be thrilled and seduced by New York, I love the opera and the theatre and the fashion I see on the streets. But I can’t get any work done there. Maybe my own place would help, a little studio I could decorate and make into a sanctuary… for the sake of a potential dissertation I hope so. What about the rest of the world? Would a Midwest city that requires a car be so bad? Could I live in Ann Arbor? St. Louis? Birmingham, AL even? Texas? I think I need to consider the fact that I will need escape routes, Chicago is lovely and I imagine has more opportunities to escape and get out from under the heavy than New York. However, I am a $26 train ticket from this place…. oh the decisions.
Thoughts? Please share…advice is quite seriously needed.
Much love to ya,
at
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