81.37%

Is my test average in Organic Chemistry, second semester. My quiz average (well, of the top 5, when we’ve had 9 and at least 4 of those were of the sort that can’t be called pop quizzes) is a 19/20. My lab grade should also be about 90% or higher… so why am I crying every other moment and reconsidering whether I am cut out for a life of scientific pursuit?

I thought I had aced my last test…I thought I had known what to do, been able to see the bigger picture and I walked out sure I had annilated that thing. Turns out I got a 79%. Confidence crushing? Yes. I thought there was an “upward trend”, the real answer is that I had duped myself into believing that I was understanding the concepts…that I had finally trained my brain to think in terms of resonance and binding… turns out I was wrong. I have no idea what this will mean for biochemistry…a class I have been looking forward to for over a year now, how can I handle failing something that makes me smile?

This semester has been academic hell. Failed my first test as a college student, I will only 4.0 one class this semester unless you count a directed study, my cumulative will be my lowest ever, my GPA will have dropped to the point where I will never acheive suma cum laude and may not even hit magna if it goes at this rate. It will be a miracle if I get into Phi Beta Kappa, the standard I had been striving for since I realized what it was. A benchmark, set by others and recognized nationally, something high that I could measure myself against and no one could call me insane or tell me its misguided.  Damn you organic chemistry. If I had never taken those classes, my GPA would be at or near a 3.9 still….probably higher given that I would have had soo much more time to get shit done for other classes.

And on another note, I do not live will on unstable ground. Too often this semester I went from being very happy, content with my life and looking only at the present…only to have my forward thinking nature soon crash me back to the realization that my happiness is ephemeral and that it will never be able to take solid form. So many wasted hours, when you look at it that way. Of course my friends all knew this, but they also knew that I am stubborn as hell and prefer a little internal manipulation to facing things. Its my own damn fault I did so badly this semester, if only I had realized that it is better to be stable and alone than to walk a tightrope and lose balance. God that is a depressing thought, I understand though how science can be done in a monastery. No one to distract you, and unshakable faith without evidence to contradict it can do wonders for concentration and perseverance.

We shall see how the GRE goes…I know I’ll get into grad school…that’s not the real issue… I just feel as though I have failed myself.

 

Real hugs are welcome, the proper way to give one is to stop, put your stuff down, and let the person in need of the hug find their own comfortable spot. Be patient, and healing can begin.

 

~ by touristortransplant on May 1, 2008.