Staring out onto Grey Street…

And the night has been so cold. I think I actually do feel things quite a bit, despite my usual attempts to trick myself out of such states. Walking home from Olin tonight, with the still cold and thick darkness of streets away from campus proper, I was smacked with the feeling of being only a half. I admit, I’m lonely. I miss being in a relationship where you feel like no matter how dark and cold it is there is someone who feels with you and is an extension of yourself making you impenetrable to such afflictions. I’ve taken to looking back and assessing my past loves, and realized that the truest love I’ve felt ended its time as an entity almost 5 years ago now. That I’ve been single for nearly two years, and while I have friends and sisters who do so much for my soul there is still a space they can’t fill (I know you would if you could, and I love you for that).

I’ve set up a good friend with a sister of mine, they make it look so easy. You meet, get along, find out  you’re looking for similar things, and bam! A date or two later you’re on the path to a happy little something. I think I must be some sort of freak show in that sense, nothing is ever so easy and my scenarios tend to involve one or more insurmountable obstacles that I bend around trying to keep warm. My taste in men is improving, I’m starting to find the balance between the confidence I need and the humanitarian spirit that so often is missing behind the easy smile and gorgeous eyes. Now if all of that could come in a package that both my friends and physiology approve, without strings or giant walls, I would be a very happy girl.

Don’t get my wrong, my male friends are wonderful and I appreciate the walks home, dinners, compliments, all around sweetheartedness they share with me. Without them this post would have a very different tone, completely malnourished rather than just vitamin deficient.

I have so much to do these days, I honestly don’t have the time to mope about an ache in my chest. If you ask me on any given day, I would tell you how happy I am with life and sigh with a ’stupid happy face’ that hints at all the things I’m dreaming about. Only when I’m breathing the cold night air and walking home in the dark do I fall back and think the water’s shallow.

much love to ya’ll who read this, forgive me for not keeping you more up to date.

~ by touristortransplant on February 25, 2008.