Expectation and reality
I’ve got 14-15 days left to fast. Time to sit here for a minute and assess the situation.
I don’t usually feel to hungry during the day, but sometimes I think “I don’t want to be fasting today.” So why don’t I reach over and grab an apple, or bowl of cereal, or whatever it is that’s making me miss food? I guess that implies that there is a reason I do this, that I have something invested in this ritualistic self-denial. I’ve got a friend who thinks I’m not really “doing it”, who says that because I get excited when dinner approaches that I’m not in the spirit of the fast. I honestly have no idea how to take that, but its a major reason I’m writing right now. Am I doing this right? Am I undercutting the meaning and spirit of the practice by my thoughts and actions? The other day I stepped on the scale, curious to see what this was doing to my body. I did have a hypothesis, I felt smaller and honestly I wanted to know if this was true. At the beginning of the month (mid-Sept.) another friend said that he was curious to see what happened with my weight…would the fast cause my body to go into starvation mode and gain weight, or would I waste away? I knew neither was happening, and I never had the intent of going into this as a diet…I knew my body wouldn’t respond that way. At one point, maybe a day before I stepped on the scale, I told myself that I wouldn’t weigh myself for the whole month. Having failed at that, and tested my hypothesis, I realized I was wrong and I have a new idea. I think I’m losing muscle mass and replacing it with fat. I can feel my bones more, but that’s got to be because there’s less muscle surrounding them, not because there’s less of me all together. That’s a pretty revolting discovery, I feel a bit like my body is rotting or something, and I think I should try and remedy that…starting before the fast is over. I have the time, I should lift weights a few times a week to keep up the tone, and perhaps steady my metabolism.
I will speak more on this later, but I really have gained a lot from this fast. Deepened friendships, learned about people and generally improved several aspects of my life. 
Mentally, well..this has been a weird month. The productivity I was hoping to achieve is coming about, but the habit changing has not been as successful. Still not sleeping properly, though I am napping quite a bit to make up for the occasional late nights. Tonight I’m participating in a sleep study that requires me to go to bed at 10pm and get up at 9am. I’m hoping it’ll be a good start to the week. Perhaps a good measure would be my performance in class, since everyone’s telling me that lack of sleep and generally not taking care of myself will end up affecting it. Well, let’s see. I’m pretty sure I’ve got a 3.7-4.0 in Chemistry, which is amazing to me and I’m pushing hard to keep it that way. The rest of my classes should be near 4.0s, with one possible exception being Neuropharm..where I haven’t picked up my last test to check how I did so I can’t be sure. Class average was an A though, so I’m not too worried. Conclusion: I must be doing something right.
I want to find a website or book where I can get a daily meditation prompt. One thing I think I have been slacking on is my introspection and general quiet time with myself. If I can find something like a meditation book, I think it will help me feel more centered and focused on my actions. Also, I’d like to actually make time for yoga. I realized that I consider it a luxury, and that I schedule meetings during that time without considering that its something necessary and good for me.
Ok, off to get a bit of work done. I was supposed to be playing Magic with the guys, but really, that’s not a good use of my time and I’m not good enough yet to get much out of it learning-wise. Chemistry and Biology projects are a better idea I think.
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